2008 - or what I have done

This past year was incredibly difficult for me. The further decline of my father caused some identity issues. I thought that I was grown up but I had a lot further to go than I thought. Instead of looking back at the negatives, I figure instead I will concentrate on the ways in which I have grown and the new things I did that proved life altering:

1)I helped save a man's life. This proved to be one of the most meaningful things of 2008 for me. My girls saw me in a new way. They saw that their mother has strength that they hadn't seen before. I saw that I had strength that I had forgotten about.

2)I represented myself succesfully in court. This has insurmountable pride for me. It not only showed me that I am competant, it showed me something more important. I no longer fear my ex. He can't scare me anymore. Right does prevail. Justice prevails. And I am capable of keeping my children safe.

3)I have grown at work. I have brought in significant business. I have built an identity for myself. I was mentioned in the leadership meeting with the founder and president of the company. That is significant.

4)My children continue to grow and do well. They are so beautiful. They are so SMART. They crack me up. They are my life.

5)I love my husband. It has been almost 2 and a half years now that we have been married. Compared to how broken I was for many years, this is a huge accomplishment.

6)I am a good daughter. Life has changed and now my parents are more dependant on me than I am of them and I am handling this just fine. It feels good to take care of them when I can.

All in all, it takes pain to grow. There has been a lot of pain this year. I feel confident that I am adapting.

Wintertime Exhaustion

This is the 3rd week in a row that I have had something just about every night for the girls, their school, work, etc. I have cooked 3 dozen cookies, 4 casseroles, 48 cupcakes, 40 sausage biscuits in the last 5 weeknights that were not to feed my family. My territory is still pulling in a steady 60-100K a day (not complaining about that) which is keeping me incredibly busy during the day. Evidently my part of the Midwestern Territory didn't hear about the economic issues. Some genius mom scheduled a birthday party on a Thursday night.

I need a break.

The Ranch

Here are a couple of pictures from the dude ranch....

"Then my mom TOOK HER TOP OFF!"

The day after Thanksgiving I took the girls to a Dude Ranch out in Bandera for a girl’s getaway. We had so much fun 99.9% of the time. .1% of the time was horrifying!

We were on one of the more advanced trail rides up the side of a mountain. There were 13 people on the ride and 2 wranglers. Coming down the face of the mountain the wrangler in front’s horse bucked. He flew upside down into the air and landed on his back, unconscious, his head hitting a rock. Blood started flowing full on.

Little Ivy was 1^st in line behind the wrangler and her horse started going a bit nutty. She managed to pull him out of the line and settle him down. I am so proud of her and her instinct. The wrangler in the back of the line near me shot off down the mountain to get help. I broke line and ran up and dismounted. At this point the guy was moaning and regaining consciousness but had no idea what had happened. I took my top off and wrapped his head and had to pin him down with this other lady because we had no idea what he might have done to his back etc.

This guy finally came up (not in time to offer his shirt mind you) and helped pin the guy until they got a truck up and got him off the mountain. The girls were really shaken and upset but handled themselves great in the crisis. I have to say that the 5 kids on the ride handled it better than most of the adults. They were crying but followed direction well and kept their horses under control.

It ends up the guy broke 4 ribs, dislocated his shoulder, and got a massive concussion. (not to mention a load of stitches in his head).

When we got back into cell reception the next day Zoe called all of her friends and it sure was nice to be the hero for a change!

The Wall

When I was little I use to watch adults a lot. I didn't hang out with too many kids. One thing the adults would do from time to time that I found sophisticated and mysterious was occasionally, you could catch one just staring at the wall. I could never figure out what was so interesting about a wall. I would try to just sit and stare and be grown up but got bored much to quickly. It took a lot to keep my attention.

Now as an adult, I know what staring at the wall means. It isn't terribly exciting. It means that your brain is done for now. It means that you are at capacity. It means that you have a dad that is disappearing from Alzheimer's, a kid with boobs, a laid off brother in law, IRS issues, problems with an ex, too much work. None of it is exciting in a good way. None of it is mysterious.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

He died this week. He was a key person in the formation of what jumbled ideas I have that constitute my value system. I read One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovitch when I was in my early teens. What a mind exploding book. I had finished the Catcher in the Rye which was amazing but I always felt that Holden was a bit of a whiner. Now this guy Ivan comes along and lays out some serious brain butter. Ivan taught me that reality has next to no bearing on happiness. I have stood by this idea for the majority of my life.

A Ten Year Old's Search For Knowledge

I can be a sneaky snake and yesterday I checked what my 10 year old has been asking on ask.com. It was HILARIOUS. Way more super fun than I expected. Here are the top 5 questions asked in my opinion:

How do you make a fart?
Why do we have boogers?
What is the meaning of life?
How do you make lemonade?
Why are sisters so annoying?

Beautiful!

My Soccer Stars

I am so proud of my beautiful babies. These are some of my favorite action shots as of late. Sean does take a great picture.

The Book of Job

I have always had a soft fascination with the Book of Job. I think of it at odd times. Tonight when I locked my kids out of my room to take a shower and stop cussing inside my head for a few minutes there was good ole Job, there to pester me.
I have always been incredibly uncomfortable talking about my faith. I come from a strong strain of adamant agnostics and always the misfit chose a different path...but here goes...

Sometimes when I pity myself and feel like no one in the world has had as difficult a life as mine in the history of all the eons I will read the whole Book of Job to bring myself down a notch. I find it very comforting to gain perspective because lets be honest, he was a great guy, his life blew, and he still maintained his faith and an inner peace I can only dream of. It helps me get over myself a bit and realize that I in fact have a lot of fight left in me.

Now, on other days, thinking days as I call them, this book puzzles me beyond measure. I am not one of those people that take the bible literally all the time, but still. Damn... If God is in fact our father than wasn't he kind of a dick? All of that misery for a bet with the devil? If I made a bet that was essentially "Hey! I bet you didn't think I could do this to my kid didja??!!?!" my kid would be taken away. In fact, you could say that while betting with the Devil (which I have been intimately acquainted with at times) you should probably leave your kids out of it all together. I mean, if I am not comfortable betting with their college money in Vegas it is safe to assume that betting on their will and faith in me is a pretty shite idea all around.

I guess in the end I think that maybe the Book of Job was just a huge allegory. Even taking it at that it seems a bit prickish.

Alzheimer's Sucks Balls

That is it.

Ridiculous Life

I don't feel like I live a ridiculous life. I DO feel like much of my time is spent on ridiculous things and ridiculous conversations. I am sure a lot of this has to do with me being in sales and having school age children.

When I have a conversation I look at the people I am talking to and try to see if they share this feeling of ridiculousness. 99% of the time I can tell they in fact do not think things are ridiculous.

I think I know why. I think that people that have violence in their past - especially multiple instances of violence with multiple people or situations - ultimately come two a fork in the road. They have the choice to either be an eternal victim or eventually learn to say "damn that sucked" and adapt.

I am very adaptive...pliable you could say. I think to be this way I have had to forgo the art of bullshit. I have noticed that as time goes on I have almost a hostility to people that use too many adjectives. They often seem to be a way to delay or avoid a point. For instance I wouldn't walk to smell the lavender fields and feel the soft spring breeze against my face. I would walk to get to the damn store. (I still like "damn" alot.)

It makes me sad at times that I've lost some of these traits. But most days I am ok with it.

5 of 8

I am about to go to my fifth of eight Dentist appointments for just one quadrant of my mouth. I can't help but feel I am being punished for something.

Don't Pet the Hairy Caterpillar

Minus 6 months that I lived in Mississippi (AKA the VERY VERY DARK MONTHS) I have lived my whole little life in Texas. Every child that grows up in Texas knows about the "asps". We are taught to stay away from those scary black caterpillars. For awhile I was scared to look at them. I never got bit by one.

Today I learned not to ever ever touch any hairy caterpillar. This little bugger to my left ended up on my blanky and I touched it and it felt like lightening.

I think that it is a "Buck Moth" and I know that it is a bastard.

Babies Babies Babies

It seems lately that a lot of people in my life have been either having babies or talking about having more babies. A lot of people have also been asking me when my husband and I will be having a baby together.

I always wanted a lot of kids. I ended up having two and getting a bonus one from my marriage. I am very happy with that.

I have always been hesitant about having another kid. I can't without surgery anyhow so ata most times it is a mute point.

I just don't think that I could do that to the 3 kiddos I have now. I don't see how a child couldn't feel like they weren't enough or somewhat isolated if I had a child in my second marriage. From what I have seen it doesn't bring anyone closer together.

As it stands now, we have 10 and a half years to hit that magic point when all of our children are 18. My husband will be in his mid forties and I will be in my early forties when the youngest hits college. I look forward to that time. Shortly after that I will get grandbabies which appear to be the whole reason you have kids some days!!

Mostly when I think ahead I look forward to what my and H's life will be like. To think that we will get to have all of that time together. He is my favorite person really, so to change our future and add 18 more years on seems drastic. No babies for me.

Hot Date

I hooked the nephew up with a hot date this weekend. She is 18 months old. I am thinking he can show her his tummy stickers and maybe they can have a couple juice boxes and goldfish.

Koolaid's Revenge

When I was pregnant with my second daughter my sister came and babysat my 3 year old. When she got thirsty they went to the fridge and my sis asked Zoe if she wanted some KoolAid. My obedient daughter informed her that KoolAid was a grown up drink. My sister was quick to correct the scam I had been running to keep my kid away from sugary drinks.

Last night the nephew was just fine. We played at the park and stopped at sonic on the way home because it was too late for me to cook. The little dude was amazed with Ocean Water. I am not sure if he liked it, but it certainly fascinated him.

So far the little dude has been great. I was able to put him to bed awake and he put himself to sleep without any tears. I had to wake him up this morning and he was still a sweetheart. I took him to his school and again no tears. He fussed for a second but I stayed calm and insisted that he walk into his class. I gave him a big hug and kiss and showed him where to sit.

Tonight I will have my babies back from their dad's house and they will be a big help. I figure that with them there it will stall the monsoon fit that I am expecting on day two or three where he just wants to know where his mom is. After last night though I am not sure that that is even going to happen. We are taking him to the park every night this week so he can sleep well. He just LOVES the park.

The Drew Blog Log

Tonight is the first night that I keep my nephew for a 7 day stretch. It is exciting.

My sister is very worried. I keep telling myself not to let it hurt my feelings. I know that she is just nervous about the trip etc. I know she doesn't really think I would leave a 2 year old in the bath to fend for himself.

It is going to be very odd having a 2 year old in the house again. Especially a 2 year old with different parts than my girls. Thank God for my husband. He should be able to help.

It is going to be neat to see what 2 years old boys are like day in and day out. I have a son through my hubbie ( I HATE the term "step" son) but he came into my life when he was already 4ish.

Anyhow, 14 minutes 'til I get to get the little dude from daycare. I think that tonights dinner will be a bribe of a McD's kids meal. That should keep the little bugger happy.

My Dad is disappearing

I have been through a lot in my life. I was once in an abusive marriage..like the real kind. The kind with back damage and bruises. I was a single mom of 2 very young children for 5 years while going to school full time. I have seen pain is my point.

Nothing, and I mean nothing compares to losing my dad a tiny bit each day. My mom and him are the reasons that I have sailed relatively easy through my bumps in life. They have always loved me, always supported me, always let me cry on their shoulders.

Some days, my dad is just as always. He is the smartest person I have ever met personally. He is an engineer, and artist, a philosopher, a politician.

Some days, my dad wears a face that I have only seen in pictures of his youth. A tiny bit unsure, a tiny bit curious.

Some days, my dad is so frustrated and scared. He doesn't remember things. He gets frustrated with my and calls me my mom's name.

I had hoped to write an eloquent little essay about it. I am going to fail. There is nothing eloquent about it.

Things are going to get harder and harder as the years go by. From what I read there won't be too many - evidently the Early type is more aggressive than good old fashioned regular Alzheimer's. So things are going to get harder and harder and harder and then supposedly relief will come. That is what a few people have told me. My question is how is not having my dad, one of two people that have loved me under any circumstance in the world, the best man I have ever known, a relief in any way?

The sister

My mother has been very ill this week. She was in the hospital from Sun-Wed. My mom is back home and doing better and my dad is settling a bit, but they are not going to be able to watch my nephew when my sis goes to Spain for a week in 10 days.

I have agreed to take him for that week and it is going to be so interesting. We have very different parenting styles. I have always taken to the theory that I am raising adults, not babies. I think that she looks at things differently.

I am a little torn. I don't know if I should take care of him my way or her way. He doesn't sleep through the night. That scares me. I generally have 2-4 kids in my house in the morning. That could be rough.

Tooth Doctors Suck

I have a family doctor. That means that I can go to the same guy if there is something wrong with my toe, chest, head, butt, everything. It is awesome. He can even treat my lady issues. He is a genius.

I don't understand how one doctor can treat 99% of my body but it is going to take THREE to deal with my toofy issues. Evidently I need a dentist, endodontist, and oral surgeon to fix my dysfunction. (Not to mention 14K AFTER dental and medical insurance).

You see, my sister is a wuss. When she was delivering her baby boy that mind you was smaller than my 2 children, she accidently punched me in the face. The jaw to be exact. Being the good sister I took off and didn't mention a thing. She knows now, 2 yrs later however.

I have several teeth that need to be removed because she broke them beyond repair. My jaw needs to be worked on too. I have to get a bridge.

I AM TERRIFIED OF DENTISTS. Like, super terrified. My goal was for someone to knock me out for a day and a half and get all of the work done. (I am sure my sister could punch me out for cheap).

Instead, it is going to take over 6 visits, 3 doctors, and 14,000 single dollar bills.

I should have been a dentist is all I am saying.

Mama

I am 31 years old. I still really need my mama. I had a very tough morning yesterday and had to take a time out. My manager let me leave early and I went straight to my mama's house. She always makes me feel better. An hour later I was able to go back to work and everything was ok. It is amazing how mamas can make everything better.

I can't imagine a world without my mama in it. The idea is terrifying.

Trashy

I wrote this awhile ago....It is still true....

My oldest daughter learned the term “trashy” at a very young age. When I first took her clothes shopping as a toddler, finally moving past the little creepers and the independence that comes once they emerge from them, we tended to butt heads quite a bit. She liked to stand a good 3 yards away from me and browse the racks on her own. Naturally anything that sparkled was in her fists and her eyes would glaze over when talking to me about how much she NEEDED that particular shirt or skirt or dress. This was infinitely frustrating. It needn’t be, but someone in our marketing society decided to sexualize three year old girls.

When you browse the racks in the little boy departments you see the same t-shirts with trucks, trains, and cars on them that have been around since screen printing began. They aren’t marketed shirts that say “Hot Thang” “Girls love me” or other inappropriate sayings. It is preposterous to think about it. But the girls section is a different story. I fail to see why a 3 year old would need a shirt that says “Hot” on the front and I live in Texas. It gets pretty damn hot here.

To make it easier to navigate through the world of halter tops and mini skirts that someone decided that my little one needed and actually find clothes that covered her freshly un-diapered bottom, I taught my little one the word “trashy”. It was easy enough. She had a cousin that at 6 was well into the over sexualized world of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. My daughter wanted to know why she couldn’t listen to the music or watch the videos that her cousin so freely perused. I explained that Britney Spears was trashy. That young women should cover up their belly. That women don’t behave like that. I told her that I didn’t want her to watch things that she didn’t understand.

Shortly after that conversation we landed at JC Penney’s. The little one found a particularly horrific shirt and came up to me and asked very simply “mommy, is this trashy”. I responded in the positive and she gladly walked the shirt back to the rack and began looking for something else. Another mom was clearly not pleased with the vocabulary and I simply stated to her “Well, it IS trashy” and returned to searching.

It was very easy then. Because I was at home my daughter was with me 24 hours a day. Her environment was completely monitored and censored. Now, as she is in school with other children whose mommies think belly shirts or tube tops are great for 8 year olds things are getting difficult again. I find that we argue again. I tend to shop on my own for her clothes.

We don’t have cable so there is no MTV or other pop culture kiddie porn for her to watch. I explain to her everything that I can about being a woman and the difference between our morality and the morality of Abercrombie and Fitch and The Limited II. I explain that someday she will be buying her own clothes and she can wear as much or as little as she chooses then. I have drawn lines on her tummy with a permanent marker so that she knows where to pull the pants up to and the shirts down to. But somewhere, somehow, my daughter was exposed to enough of our societal trend to turn tweens into tarts that it is a constant uphill battle. It makes me angry and it makes me sad.

Alf

Dad,

I remember that Christmas when I was so determined to get you the Alf doll that you could get for $4 bucks with a Taco Bell meal. Mom tried to steer me to a better gift but I SWORE that was exactly what you wanted..................

On Christmas morning I had you open my present first because I couldn't wait any longer. When you opened it, you acted as all you had been waiting for your whole life was an Alf doll. You are a sweet sweet man.

Looking back, I think I wanted you to have it because I wanted you to have it. One of my favorite times of the day was when Alf came on and you would lay flat on the floor and I was so small for my age I could fit into the small of you back......

I love you. Maybe you won't be able to remember these times in the following years, but I will remember for the both of us....

Mardi Gras for Elementary School Kids

Tonight is my kiddos dance. Since when do elementary school kids have dances anyhow? Isn't there a big focus on slowing down the maturation of tween girls??

So for the theme this year they have chosen Mardi Gras....Nice......

I have been working with my 7 year old little lady over the past few days and I think she understands how to earn beads now. NOT!!!

Couldn't they have chosen something a bit more childlike? Why did they choose a theme that for adults means that you can make an acceptable costume out of liquid latex and loose feathers?

I understand the purpose of Mardi Gras - I really do. My family does the whole lent thing....We go to church...trust me...we get it. But I also fully understand the major side of Mardi Gras....I was a coed once. A really fun one at that.

I just don't like it.

EXHAUSTED - Or a Week in the life

This week has consumed me. So much going on. The girls both are in soccer now and we managed to get them on teams that meet 2ce a week at the EXACT time on OPPOSITE ends of town. Only I could be so fortunate. Thank goodness my ex and I get along these days, because including games I will be seeing his shiny face 3 times a week.

To top off soccer I also got to pass a kidney stone (AT WORK mind you) and as soon as the work week ends get the girls ready for a Mardi Gras Dance at their elementary school (more about this in the next post).

It just seems like I am getting busier and busier and busier. I would LOVE to have a lunch hour where I can actually sit at a restaraunt and eat lunch instead of run out for soccer balls or run out for Mardi Gras masks or run out to the bank.

Oh Well, I always try to remind myself that I have chosen my path every step of the way. It makes me feel conforted mostly but some days it make me think "What the hell were you thinking!!!"

My Beautiful Boy

My beautiful boy.

I have had a stepson now for a couple of years. I was a mom for along time before that to 2 girls, so I figured "No sweat! I GOT this!"

How wrong. Boys are so different. It took me months to get used to explosion noises. And that he could wipe his nose on his own.

Now, I think that we are hitting a good groove. We live close to his mom, so we can make it to a lot of his things......He likes jokes - I got jokes.

What is hard for me to figure out is a place where he is comfortable with my involvement in his life. His mom is good. He already has a mom. I am not quite sure where I fit in, but it feels like I do now. Things can be so fragile with children, but I think that I am getting there with him.

I know I love him like he's mine. That'a a start.

My friend took this picture of my new Tio at my wedding. It is one of the most touching pictures I have ever seen. Normally, he is so jovial. The camera seems to get under his mask so to speak.

dandelion

Don’t come to me unbridled
Grabbing without control.
Touch me with grace,
Come at me gently,


Sneak up to me like a bird does a butterfly
In the few inches above the grass.

Come join me under the covers
Inching like a caterpillar under a leaf
And you will find that my embraces,
Light like dandelion seeds,
Will keep you satiated.

Talk softly and tiptoe
It’s all more sensitive than you know.

Pacify me
Calm me
And I will open to you.

It Looks Boring

I am sure that I will be posting A LOT on my 10 year old Child of God. (I use that phrase to remind myself from time to time).

After the shock on her face when finding out I was writing a blog, she informed me that I was too old......31 is not old in my book, but then again it IS 3 times her age plus a little.

I showed it to her as proof of my youth and hipness.

"It looks boring".

My Angel My Daughter My Life

Breaking the Seal

Pop!

My first blog. It was the worst of times and it was the best of times....etc etc

I am not sure who will have interest in my thoughts. I am not trailing celebrities, I haven't been to rehab, I certainly can't give any financial advice.

At best I shoot for some day having a small group of people, regular shmoes like me, interested in similar rants and raves.

So, Cheers!

I will list some words that myself and other people have used to describe me:

very very liberal
mom
wife exwife
stepmom
daughter
opinionated
simple
low maintenance
high maintenance
salesman
odd


That's a good enough start. Now go make your own conclusions.